The Journey To Our Baby Continue

Please follow me over at "Growing Peanut" and share with me the ups and downs on this road towards meeting our baby.

And So Our Wait Ends

I've spoken to our SW earlier today to tell her that they should move us to the "background" as we would not be adopting at the moment. You see, when we were busy making other plans, life happened. A little life which is at the moment as big as a sesame seed, but life all the same.

I am pregnant.

Two weeks ago I had some expected pre-menstrual cramping, normal but it felt different. I blamed my imagination as I have gone through too many cycles imagining pregnancy symptoms, just to end up with a broken heart. On day 28 I was prepared, but nothing happened. This is however not too strange, as I get the odd month where my cycle is 32 days, so I waited longer. I would double check each time I go to the loo, but still nothing. A tiny flicker of hope sparked but while browsing "early pregnancy signs" I got to an article which talks about weight gain (especially around the middle) which can mean PCOS, which results in missed periods. The flicker of hope died and I thought: great, now this as well. On Saturday (which was day 36) I could not handle it anymore. I drove to our adjacent town to go and buy a pregnancy test as our town is too small and only have a grocer which sells no such things.

I came home, unpacked the groceries and took my parcel to the bathroom. Riaan was in the kitchen busy making potato salad. I got into position and peed on the stick, two pink lines appearing almost immediately. I had a little hysterical fit (a happy one) and did a little boogie dance in the bathroom while trying to finish my pee, hold the stick, wipe my eyes, try not to make very strange noises and pull up my clothes - all at the same time. Riaan was saying something through the door about potatoes, I tried to answer but those very strange noises that I was trying not to make escaped from my mouth. He asked whether I am OK, so I opened the door. He took one look at my face, then at the stick I was holding up and realisation dawned in his eyes. It was priceless, I dreamed for 5 years about how this would play out and this was perfect. We grabbed each other and cried in each other's arms.

Five years. That is how long we tried to get pregnant. It feels really unreal still, but we are also very much aware of this awesome blessing which have been bestowed upon us. Maybe those other people were right, or maybe they just prayed and hoped and wished hard enough with us.

I can now look back and admit that this might just have been the perfect solution for us:

The solution to having a baby is to live a happy, healthy, very relaxed life, to have lots of fresh air and food, be surrounded by friends and people caring about you, no traffic and lots of open space... Sounds idyllic and like the perfect recipe for creating that bun in the oven... 

I will be seeing my doctor on Monday to confirm that everything is OK and discuss the road forward.

I want to thank everyone who supported, encouraged and shared our adoption journey. You carried me through the dark days and made the good ones better. I'm still deciding whats next, whether I will only do an update over here or start a pregnancy blog. Suggestions more than welcome...

2013 - My Year in Review

It has been a strange, wonderful, sad, nice, long year. Reading through blogs and FB statuses I see that a lot of people are very glad that 2013 is over as it has been a hard year for them. For me, well... I feel a bit indifferent about the passing of 2013. Of course it is very exciting to start a new year afresh, but the 1st of January was only just another day for me.

As I look back I do realise that a lot of big things happened in the past year. I am not fond of changes, so how in the hell I survived all of them is a wonder in itself.

• At the start of 2013 I went back to Cape Town by myself as hubby got a job in the country and stayed behind. I did a LOT of tiresome and scary travelling to and fro and missed my husband and animals something fiercely.
• I almost got to work from home, then I did not, then I quit my job, got another job which I declined, took my old job back and ended up working from home. I am still amazed at how truly blessed I am because of this and how good everything is working out.
• My brother was diagnosed with testicular cancer. He had it removed and got through it. Our family is not very good with or acquainted with illnesses and it was a bit of a shock for us all. He got married 3 months later, so maybe it was a wake-up call for him as well.
• I met a lot of new people and made some new friends. Living in a small friendly town means that everybody knows each other. We had some really good times and done more than we ever had living in the City. 
• I turned 35.
• My stepfather was diagnosed with colon cancer 2 weeks ago (note how I mentioned above how we are not very good dealing with this kind of news..) He will be going for the operation this month and we are making plans to get my mom and him here. They live in Mpumalanga all by themselves, so we need to relocate them in case anything serious should happen and they need help. I am excited by the prospect of having them close as we do not get to see them often and I miss my mom terribly.
• I got fat. This is a big issue I am dealing with at the moment. Over the last 4 years I have lost a bit of shape but during this last couple of months something terrible happened. I have rolls and folds where I never had anything before, my clothes don't fit anymore and I'm scared to hell. It happened in an blink of an eye and I'm not totally sure how to get rid of it again - no Virgin Active nearby...
• We were waiting for a certain phone call which did not happen. Today we have been waiting for exactly 1 year and 11 months. Please can 2014 be it.

I did not make any resolutions for 2014 and am not planning ahead, just want to live and enjoy everyday as it happens. 

Happy 2014!

Merry Xmas 2013

I want to wish everybody a Blessed and Loved Christmas. Have a good one!

And even though we have not received out special gift yet, we have a lot to be thankful for. May we always remember this and appreciate the people that we do have in our lives. 

Note to Self..

The Darkness Within

I have been going through a thing lately. I started hating my period. The honest truth is I never really liked getting it - and I'm not even going to elaborate on all the negative physical accepts like bloating, cramps, pimples etc. or the emotional mood-swings and energy-dips, but I never hated it. Lately though, I actually feel like ripping my ovaries out of my body whenever it gets to "that time of the month". I would sit with my face in my hands, crying, no no no no no, wishing it would just go AWAY. Possibly a big part of me is still holding on to a tiny flicker of hope that I might actually get pregnant. For those who do not know our story, after 2 years of actively trying (and seven years being together), we made adoption our first option in the next step to build our family. So we do not have a prognosis as to why we are not creating a baby by ourselves. We just aren't. So even as we are not betting on getting pregnant, I still get bitterly disappointed when I'm not. Worse is, I am increasingly loathing my body for being unable to do a simple thing like have a baby. And for good measure I get mad at hubby as well, because who knows, maybe it is all his fault.
Maybe I'm just tired. This has been a long year, and I'm tired of waiting and tired of hurting. I'm tired of smiling at friends who announce pregnancies and birthday parties as their children is turning 1,6,12 years old.. I went through a bit of a desperate phase last month where I contacted a lot of orphanages and adoption agencies, actively searching for our child, tired of sitting idling by, waiting for a phone call. Sad to say I came up with nothing, only empty hands and an empty heart.

Petition

Please take the time to sign the petition for Helen Zille to Investigate the acting head of Child Welfare of the Western Cape, Ms. Trix Marais here.
With people like her on the steer of things, adoption in South Africa would never become easier.

Musical Monday - "Come Home"

Blanket and Booties

I received a package from my mother this week. That is soooo one of my favourite things, receiving a parcel in the post, wrapped up and filled with goodies from a loved one. Years ago my grandma crochet baby blankets for all her granddaughters. Me, being the youngest of all the grandchildren, had to wait until last to get my blanket - I was about 20 at the time and did not really see the need for having a baby blanket, but thought I would keep it for someday... But as life would have it, just after she finished my blanket, one of my cousins fell pregnant and my blanket went to her. Unfortunately my grandma did not get around to making me a new blanket and passed away, leaving me blanket-less.

Luckily my mother inherited the skill of crochet (although this is where that skill ended in our bloodline, I tried, but to no avail, dumb fingers!). So I lovingly bullied her into making me a blanket, as I cannot imagine bringing our baby home not wrapped up warm in a special home-made blanket.

I was therefor very excited about the parcel and after struggling for about 20 minutes to open it up - not only is my mother very crafty, but she sure knows how to wrap something - digging through all off the seeds they send my hubby for his garden, I finally had the blanket in my hands. It was still in a plastic bag and as I pulled it out, thrilled and eager to see how it turned out, little pieces of colour flew all over the room. At first I though I broke it in pieces, but upon nearer inspection, I saw that it was baby booties - 7 pairs in all the colours of the rainbow. My mom said she had some yarn to work away...

Needless to say, I am happy that our child will be brought home in his/her own very special multi-coloured blanket, made with lost of love from grandma and thoughts about great-grandma. My mother and I agree that my grandma is surely having a nice giggle about the fact that she left my mother with the duty to make me a blanket.

And time slips by..

Summer is finally (almost) here and our garden is bursting its seams. We looked at photos from a year ago and it is amazing the transformation that has happened from when we first started. We did put in a lot of effort though, and it seems to be paying off. And love. It is such a great blessing to be able to grow food and flowers and plant trees in our little piece of earth. And watch them grow.
It makes me wonder how it feels like to watch your child grow up in front of your eyes. And makes me realize that when our child comes home I will treasure each and every day, because time slips by and it is only when you look back that you see how much you've missed.  

Our summer garden in full bloom.

5 Years..

Today, we celebrate the 

joining of our hearts

We were meant for each other 

right from the start

We were destined to be together

and never to part

You are my friend, my lover

and the keeper of my heart

Happy 5 year anniversary Love!

Practicing Patience

In church yesterday we celebrated the Harvest Festival. Seeing that farmers are a big part of our community and keep the town running, we are all very happy when it is a good year and the harvest begins.

I also got a personal message about practicing patience out of the scripture, James 5:

James 5:8 - You also, be patient.

Musical Monday - "Everything to Me"

On turning 35..

Just after 7:00 this morning I turned 35 years old.

34 are never to be seen again. Sad much? No, not really. A little sad that yet another year has passed and that time seems to be flying faster as I get older. But now, being here on the tipping point between the 30's and 40's I feel good.. balanced.

During my childhood and teenage years I've grown from being a silent, shy child into a silent, moody teenager. My early twenties were all about fun and discovering the world, falling in love and trying on adulthood. Late twenties were mostly about survival. Learning how hard the world can be, but also turning into a stronger person because of it. During my early 30's my life took shape. I got married, got a job that I love, bought a house and started a family (as you know the family thing is not done yet, but it is indeed started). My outlook on life and about people changed. I grew into myself and am now comfortable with the person I am. I can keep up a good conversation, but I can also remain silent for days – the difference is that I do not make excuses for it any more. It is who I am and who I choose to be. I still have a lot of girl left in me – I prefer to walk barefoot in the summer and have my hair up in a ponytail – but I've also matured into a woman with my own opinions and preferences.

So here is to being 35! To living a year filled with love and loving. To make new friends and reconnect with old ones. To be mindful, happy and optimistic. To take care of myself and those I love. To reach out more and make small changes. To be still, free and peaceful.

Trinity Heart and Adoption on Doctors Orders

"The adoption journey can be a very daunting process. This extract from Doctor's Orders aim to share some of the experiences of parents who have chosen to adopt and also speak to people and organizations that are facilitating the adoption process and providing support for parents."

Watch the video it here.

A Compactum for our Shadow Child

While we are waiting we have acquired a couple of baby goods but nothing serious. I think the one thing that will drive me completely over the edge is having a nicely done up nursery with no baby. I am a professional procrastinator, so think that those last 2 weeks will be more than enough time to prepare for the delivery of our little one.
This said, in the back of my head I'm always preparing for when we have a baby. Certain things gets bought (or not), holidays taken (or not) and planning done (or not), always with our little shadow child in mind.

So this weekend there was an auction in our neighboring town and we were on a mission to go and buy a freezer. Living in the country we now have the opportunity to buy produce in bulk and our garden is coming along nicely, so the freezer is needed to store all of these - and of coarse it would be very helpful when we prepare baby food to freeze...

I love auctions and I also like buying second hand stuff. Of course I like new things, but the problem is when I buy something new I end up feeling very sorry for it and then do not really USE it. Just this afternoon I was looking at my phone. It is protected buy a big pouch which makes it a bit inconvenient as I have to open it up the whole time and it also still have the plastic protective film on the glass. It still looks very nice, but I was thinking, for what? It's almost time to upgrade and then I'll hand the phone down or sell it or something. So the next person will have a nice (new) phone, whereas I did not really USE it... So I like buying used stuff that I do not feel sorry for and get to fully enjoy and use.

Back at the auction we were going though the motions. We looked around and we set our targets on the freezers. While browsing my eye caught the compactum but I decided to stay with the program and focus on the freezers. In the back of my head I was thinking that I would surely like to have a compactum, always have, but did not really see us paying a LOT of money for a new one and not really less for a used one.
So then the auctioneer got to the compactum and did his thing. Nobody lifted their hands. The auctioneer then cut the price and remarked that you do not really need a baby in order to buy it.. Riaan caught my eyes, which by that time were welling up like our Cape dams at the moment, ready to spill. In return he had big question-marks in his eyes and I nodded my head. His hand flew up and he bought our baby his/her very own compactum for a whole R100-00!! It is very sturdy, made from real wood and with a fresh coat of paint and some decoration it is going to look beautiful!

Needles to say, we went home with a bakkie-load full of things (including a freezer). The compactum is now standing smack-bam in the middle of our living room. I still have to re-arrange the spare-room to fit it in. But I'm happy. Don't know if I'm more happy for having it, or that me and my hubby both had the need to make our first real purchase for this little child of ours.

Yes...

Just had to share the following post. Not completely true to my situation, but the feelings are definitely the same. Got especially teary when reading the following:

We’re moms without children. It’s an ache that doesn't go away. It starts before we see their faces and only ends when they’re in our arms. So we walk about with half our heart missing. It’s hard to breathe, to think, to speak. Something always feels missing. Because they are.