The Darkness Within

I have been going through a thing lately. I started hating my period. The honest truth is I never really liked getting it - and I'm not even going to elaborate on all the negative physical accepts like bloating, cramps, pimples etc. or the emotional mood-swings and energy-dips, but I never hated it. Lately though, I actually feel like ripping my ovaries out of my body whenever it gets to "that time of the month". I would sit with my face in my hands, crying, no no no no no, wishing it would just go AWAY. Possibly a big part of me is still holding on to a tiny flicker of hope that I might actually get pregnant. For those who do not know our story, after 2 years of actively trying (and seven years being together), we made adoption our first option in the next step to build our family. So we do not have a prognosis as to why we are not creating a baby by ourselves. We just aren't. So even as we are not betting on getting pregnant, I still get bitterly disappointed when I'm not. Worse is, I am increasingly loathing my body for being unable to do a simple thing like have a baby. And for good measure I get mad at hubby as well, because who knows, maybe it is all his fault.
Maybe I'm just tired. This has been a long year, and I'm tired of waiting and tired of hurting. I'm tired of smiling at friends who announce pregnancies and birthday parties as their children is turning 1,6,12 years old.. I went through a bit of a desperate phase last month where I contacted a lot of orphanages and adoption agencies, actively searching for our child, tired of sitting idling by, waiting for a phone call. Sad to say I came up with nothing, only empty hands and an empty heart.