A while ago I was going through a really tough time. When we were still busy with the paperwork people would ask us how it was going with the process, there was a lot to talk and be excited about. Everything was new for us and it all felt so real. In November last year my colleague (and friend) found out that she was pregnant with their second child. She has been a great support to me during our journey, but suddenly we did not talk about it at all.
She was obviously very excited as she really wanted another baby, but for the 7 months that she was at the office before going on maternity leave that was all that she could talk about. We re-visited her whole pregnancy with her first child and I was told all the details about the current pregnancy - and when the baby started kicking I had to look at her tummy numerous times in one day...
I am a very tolerant person and would seldom say things to people that hurt them, so I sucked it up and by the time I got home I would be devastated. Poor Riaan had to pick up the pieces and comfort me at the end of each day, just to send me off to despair the following day.
I have a great boss and we talk openly about our adopting a baby. She is fully supportive of the idea. However, we are a small company (4 people in total) and with my colleague being pregnant my boss got a bit nervous that we might get "The Call" at the same time and then she would sit with a very real problem. She took me aside and discussed her fear with me. At the time I was in such a bad space that I took it up as she almost wanted me to make other arrangements should I get my baby. Because mine would be less "important". (Later she did say that I do not have to worry, if it happens we would just deal with it - I do love my boss).
Also during this time a mini baby-boom happened within our friendship circle, all this as we were completing our paperwork and having our final panel meeting. And then it was all over for us. All that we had left was the wait. People stopped asking questions, because there was nothing left to tell them. Only that we are waiting..
My boss's daughter also got pregnant with their first child and so the whole office talk would revolve around all things pregnant. It drove me nuts! On one side I was really happy and excited for all of them but on the other side I felt miserable and jealous and just so insignificant and fake.
When my colleague finally went on maternity leave it got a bit better, although by that time I was emotionally drained. I had lunch with a couple of friends (which included a very pregnant one), blew off a bit of steam. This friend's stork party was a few weeks later and when writing the thank you note she said sorry that I had to go through all of that - she know that it must have been hard.. I felt terrible! I felt like a bad, bad person.
And then my saving grace. I cannot remember how I got to it, for when Googling "Adoption in South Africa" you are left with little useful information and support. But as if heaven-send I found Trinity Heart. At last I got to read about and connect to people on the same journey as me, people waiting for "The Call", articles about things that are really important to me at the moment. I was super thrilled! For the first time in a long time I felt validated and real. All of those bad feelings and dark clouds in my mind disappeared. I got inspired and excited about this very special journey that we are on. Even started my own blog :-)
Thank you Sharon for your inspiration, that you have such a passion for adoption and that you made my journey easier by sharing yours.
PS. To all my friends out there who had babies, are having babies and are making babies - I love you all and I wish your homes to be filled with little baby giggles and lots of happiness.