Tik tok tik tok 1-1-1

It's been 1 year, 1 week and 1 day since we "officially" started out on this journey. We totally missed and did not "celebrate" the 1 year mark as we were busy going on with our lives. This journey taught us that much - to go on living. As hard and challenging as it might be, most days go by unnoticed. Of course there are the days when I wake up with a fierce longing in my heart for the child that will be ours. Days when I wish to smell the scent of baby shampoo and power, when I want to hear the sound of little giggles and the patter of small feet through the house, when I want to hold that precious child in my arms, close to my heart and know that it is mine to love and care for forever.

Most days it is easy to talk about our future child, to dream about how it will be when we bring our baby home. To discuss our fears and talk about how we will do things when we have a child. Other days it is hard, on those days the tears lies too close, so close that I have to look away and blink as to escape the questions on people's faces. As they don't understand how much a simple statement can hurt, they don't realise just how hollow your life feels and how hard you tried and how many tears you've cried and how brave you try to be while you just want to give up and let go, because it will be so much easier.

There are days when the hours rush by and at the end of the day you realise that you have not once checked your cellphone or e-mail or made sure that your office phone is indeed still working and properly on the hook. Other days you get obsessed, checking everything a hundred times, having a small panic attack each time you get a call, because it might just be THE ONE you are waiting for.

There are days when the laughter of children brings a smile to my face, and then there are days when it makes my heart weep. Days when I can walk through the toys-aisle and joke about the ones that we will buy soon and days that I feel sad and hopeless when I see the rows of toys and I have no one to take it home to.

But, however the day turns out, we hope and we pray and we wait. And we wait...