The Panel Meeting - Our joy and hurt

We haven't told a lot of people the "full" story of our panel meeting. Accordingly we met with our Agency, went though all our paperwork, drank a cup of coffee, handed in our profile and were officially placed on the waiting list.

This did indeed all happen, but something extraordinary happened as well. Something that filled us with so much joy and hope. We met with our SW and the SW who works with the BMs. They were very nice and friendly as always, but the atmosphere was a bit strange and they looked at us in a funny way. I get a bit emotional whenever we meet with our SW, so I thought that it was just me.

However, after we got the admin out of the way they said that there was something that they needed to discuss with us. It was way out of their protocol to do this, but because of the circumstances they needed to clear up certain conditions before they can proceed.

They then told us that a little boy was born the previous day. The BM chose a family for him, but it turned out that this specific family were also chosen by another BM and that they were going ahead with that adoption. This baby now needed some new parents, but the BM did not want to choose from the profiles that she already saw as she would then feel that she's settling for "second best". We only handed our profile in on the day of our panel meeting, so it was the only new profile and we also met the specifications that the BM had for the adoptive family. I nearly fell of my chair. Riaan and I looked at each other in disbelief. We were NOT expecting this. We were groomed and prepared to be waiting for months (if not years) before a baby would become available.

According to the Agency's protocol, the adoptive parents are not made aware of any babies until such time that the consent period has expired, for the simple reason to prevent pain and trauma should the BM change her mind and retract consent. They did however need to tell us about this little boy, as his case involved some unforeseen hospital costs that needed to be covered by the adoptive parents. They had to make sure that we were comfortable with this and that we would be able to cover it. We were in the clouds, nodding our heads like crazy people. Of course we were OK with this (in the back of my head I was thinking that we might have to sell all our furniture or each get an extra job, but what the heck!!)

It was very difficult to wrap my head around the fact that we can be so lucky. Could we really have a total number of 0 waiting days on our journey? Do miracles happen, and was one happening to us? We left the Agency walking on clouds with crazy-people grins on our faces. It was Friday and they would let us know by Monday whether we were chosen - although according to them the chances were very, very slim that we won't be.

We decided to not get too excited and not tell the whole world, but how do you keep something like this to yourself??? So I called my mom, and we called Riaan's mom and shared the news. We might be parents come Monday!

It was a very looooong weekend. And it was extremely hard for me not to tell everybody at work on Monday morning. Seeing as the office talk revolved around all things pregnant at that stage, it was hard for me not to blab. But luckily I did not.. We did not hear from the Agency on Monday so on Tuesday I called them. Our SW said that she had some bad news. Over the weekend the father of the baby surfaced. He denied fatherhood during the pregnancy, but after a friend of the BM told him about the adoption he suddenly wanted a paternity test. The adoption was of the table.

My heart sank. I did not cry, although I wanted to a little, but I think that I weren't overly convinced that we can indeed be so lucky. We are so use to struggle to get the things we want, so why would a baby just "fall into our laps". And so the waiting started. On Wednesday we will reach the eight month mark. It is hard, but we are patient. I do not mourn the boy that never was, because that it just it, he never was meant to be ours. I do believe in fate and I do believe that there are an immense amount of events that have to fall into place in exactly the right order on exactly the right time for us to take our bambino home.

I however had to share this - and sorry for the long post - but this will always be a part of our journey and I do want to remember it the way that it really happened because this is the most important journey that we are on.