The Journey To Our Baby Continue

Please follow me over at "Growing Peanut" and share with me the ups and downs on this road towards meeting our baby.

And So Our Wait Ends

I've spoken to our SW earlier today to tell her that they should move us to the "background" as we would not be adopting at the moment. You see, when we were busy making other plans, life happened. A little life which is at the moment as big as a sesame seed, but life all the same.

I am pregnant.

Two weeks ago I had some expected pre-menstrual cramping, normal but it felt different. I blamed my imagination as I have gone through too many cycles imagining pregnancy symptoms, just to end up with a broken heart. On day 28 I was prepared, but nothing happened. This is however not too strange, as I get the odd month where my cycle is 32 days, so I waited longer. I would double check each time I go to the loo, but still nothing. A tiny flicker of hope sparked but while browsing "early pregnancy signs" I got to an article which talks about weight gain (especially around the middle) which can mean PCOS, which results in missed periods. The flicker of hope died and I thought: great, now this as well. On Saturday (which was day 36) I could not handle it anymore. I drove to our adjacent town to go and buy a pregnancy test as our town is too small and only have a grocer which sells no such things.

I came home, unpacked the groceries and took my parcel to the bathroom. Riaan was in the kitchen busy making potato salad. I got into position and peed on the stick, two pink lines appearing almost immediately. I had a little hysterical fit (a happy one) and did a little boogie dance in the bathroom while trying to finish my pee, hold the stick, wipe my eyes, try not to make very strange noises and pull up my clothes - all at the same time. Riaan was saying something through the door about potatoes, I tried to answer but those very strange noises that I was trying not to make escaped from my mouth. He asked whether I am OK, so I opened the door. He took one look at my face, then at the stick I was holding up and realisation dawned in his eyes. It was priceless, I dreamed for 5 years about how this would play out and this was perfect. We grabbed each other and cried in each other's arms.

Five years. That is how long we tried to get pregnant. It feels really unreal still, but we are also very much aware of this awesome blessing which have been bestowed upon us. Maybe those other people were right, or maybe they just prayed and hoped and wished hard enough with us.

I can now look back and admit that this might just have been the perfect solution for us:

The solution to having a baby is to live a happy, healthy, very relaxed life, to have lots of fresh air and food, be surrounded by friends and people caring about you, no traffic and lots of open space... Sounds idyllic and like the perfect recipe for creating that bun in the oven... 

I will be seeing my doctor on Monday to confirm that everything is OK and discuss the road forward.

I want to thank everyone who supported, encouraged and shared our adoption journey. You carried me through the dark days and made the good ones better. I'm still deciding whats next, whether I will only do an update over here or start a pregnancy blog. Suggestions more than welcome...

2013 - My Year in Review

It has been a strange, wonderful, sad, nice, long year. Reading through blogs and FB statuses I see that a lot of people are very glad that 2013 is over as it has been a hard year for them. For me, well... I feel a bit indifferent about the passing of 2013. Of course it is very exciting to start a new year afresh, but the 1st of January was only just another day for me.

As I look back I do realise that a lot of big things happened in the past year. I am not fond of changes, so how in the hell I survived all of them is a wonder in itself.

• At the start of 2013 I went back to Cape Town by myself as hubby got a job in the country and stayed behind. I did a LOT of tiresome and scary travelling to and fro and missed my husband and animals something fiercely.
• I almost got to work from home, then I did not, then I quit my job, got another job which I declined, took my old job back and ended up working from home. I am still amazed at how truly blessed I am because of this and how good everything is working out.
• My brother was diagnosed with testicular cancer. He had it removed and got through it. Our family is not very good with or acquainted with illnesses and it was a bit of a shock for us all. He got married 3 months later, so maybe it was a wake-up call for him as well.
• I met a lot of new people and made some new friends. Living in a small friendly town means that everybody knows each other. We had some really good times and done more than we ever had living in the City. 
• I turned 35.
• My stepfather was diagnosed with colon cancer 2 weeks ago (note how I mentioned above how we are not very good dealing with this kind of news..) He will be going for the operation this month and we are making plans to get my mom and him here. They live in Mpumalanga all by themselves, so we need to relocate them in case anything serious should happen and they need help. I am excited by the prospect of having them close as we do not get to see them often and I miss my mom terribly.
• I got fat. This is a big issue I am dealing with at the moment. Over the last 4 years I have lost a bit of shape but during this last couple of months something terrible happened. I have rolls and folds where I never had anything before, my clothes don't fit anymore and I'm scared to hell. It happened in an blink of an eye and I'm not totally sure how to get rid of it again - no Virgin Active nearby...
• We were waiting for a certain phone call which did not happen. Today we have been waiting for exactly 1 year and 11 months. Please can 2014 be it.

I did not make any resolutions for 2014 and am not planning ahead, just want to live and enjoy everyday as it happens. 

Happy 2014!

Merry Xmas 2013

I want to wish everybody a Blessed and Loved Christmas. Have a good one!

And even though we have not received out special gift yet, we have a lot to be thankful for. May we always remember this and appreciate the people that we do have in our lives. 

Note to Self..

The Darkness Within

I have been going through a thing lately. I started hating my period. The honest truth is I never really liked getting it - and I'm not even going to elaborate on all the negative physical accepts like bloating, cramps, pimples etc. or the emotional mood-swings and energy-dips, but I never hated it. Lately though, I actually feel like ripping my ovaries out of my body whenever it gets to "that time of the month". I would sit with my face in my hands, crying, no no no no no, wishing it would just go AWAY. Possibly a big part of me is still holding on to a tiny flicker of hope that I might actually get pregnant. For those who do not know our story, after 2 years of actively trying (and seven years being together), we made adoption our first option in the next step to build our family. So we do not have a prognosis as to why we are not creating a baby by ourselves. We just aren't. So even as we are not betting on getting pregnant, I still get bitterly disappointed when I'm not. Worse is, I am increasingly loathing my body for being unable to do a simple thing like have a baby. And for good measure I get mad at hubby as well, because who knows, maybe it is all his fault.
Maybe I'm just tired. This has been a long year, and I'm tired of waiting and tired of hurting. I'm tired of smiling at friends who announce pregnancies and birthday parties as their children is turning 1,6,12 years old.. I went through a bit of a desperate phase last month where I contacted a lot of orphanages and adoption agencies, actively searching for our child, tired of sitting idling by, waiting for a phone call. Sad to say I came up with nothing, only empty hands and an empty heart.