I hate goodbyes

Today was my last day at work at our Cape Town office. I'm having such a lot of mixed emotions over this one. I thought that I would be happier - more excited. Truth is, I'm very very sad and a bit scared. I'm sad as I'm leaving people behind that has meant a lot to me during the years. My boss, Rose is like a second mom to me, always ready to help and give advise. And now she is taking a huge leap of faith and trusting me to carry on

Goodbye cake for me from Rose

with my work 200 km away from the office.

My colleague is also one of my best friends, although I haven't treated her as such during these past few months. She had her 2nd child about 10 months ago and we just kind of drifted apart. I'm sad that I let these past couple of months flew by without really participating in life. I was going through the motions, getting up, going to work, going home, eat sleep, repeat. Rushing to "visit" my husband over weekends, trying to stretch the hours before rushing back. Seven months have passed in a blur and left me feeling dizzy and disorientated. 

Oh and yes, I'm actually not a little bit scared, I'm a lot scared. Not scared about making it work, but scared that this might all be to good to be true. Can something so great really be happening to me? Can I really have all that I dream of, and will this turn out to be all that I want it to be? In my heart of hearts I know that I deserve this, that I've paid my dues and did my part. It just feel strange to not be fighting and struggling to get what I want...

Done & Dusted!

I've just e-mailed our updated profile to the printers - happiness!!! 

I am relieved that it is done, although I've enjoyed putting it together, it was also torture. I'm a typical Libra and it takes me hours to decide whether the background looks better this way or that, whether the border must be black or grey (or maybe red).., whether the photo looks better if it's smaller or bigger or must I maybe use another photo altogether...

There is way too many options when doing a photobook, at least with the scrapbook I had to use whatever I had at the time.

But I'm happy and will not let myself over-think or question it any more. What is done is done. 

The only really bad part is that I'm sending it off to the Agency directly from the printers. I'm leaving Cape Town next Friday and as it takes 2 weeks for printing, I do not want to waste time for the book to be send to me first..

Thank you all for the encouragement and lets hold thumbs that this book will work some magic!

My Mothersday

Ah yes, Sunday was Mothersday - celebrated by many and as it seems, dreaded by a whole bunch. I read a couple of blogs and was in awe of the different emotions that this day stirred up. From seasoned moms enjoying a day being spoiled by their children, to first time moms excited by having the opportunity to celebrate this special day, to not-yet-moms, hiding in their houses or implementing emergency plans on how to survive the day.

I had a pretty good day. I went to the mall - yes, the mall - filled with Mothersday decorations and specials and people handing out chocolates and cards. A couple of salespeople, cashiers and even the car-guard wished me a Happy Mothersday. I was like thinking, REALLY?? Do I look like a MOM to you?? I guess I did, so I smiled and said thank you very much...

Stressed out? Take a hike!

Having a lot to deal with and do during the past few weeks, hubby thought it would be a great idea to throw in a weekend of hiking. Not having any time to prepare, being really unfit and in a bad head-space  I almost did not join in. I had to get some new hiking shoes and told him if I cannot find some in time, I’m not going. I had to have some kind of excuse. For the most part, I was terrified. My exercise routine consists of running from the train station to the bus station and from the bus station to my office in the morning and vice versa in the afternoon. And as the bus-drivers were on strike this last 2 weeks, it meant that my routine was null and void - as I get dropped in front of the office.  

But, I found the shoes – after searching through a whole lot of shops I found a pair of nice boots. It was the last pair in the shop and not my size at all. Out of desperation I tried them on and WHALA! They were perfect...

Saturday morning just before 6:00 we departed. The day was grey and there was a light drizzle in the air. Not ideal for walking around outside. The morning did not go well and I was feeling a bit irritated and tense. After we started walking hubby broke the news that the route is not 7’ish km as he thought, but a whopping 14km!!!! I almost fainted! But, seeing as there was no turning back I walked.

I walked and it was hard, very hard. And then it got better. Then I felt better. Then I caught myself smiling and feeling happy. I looked around and all I could see was mountains and valleys – it was HUGE and it made me feel small. Small in a good way - in the sense that the lives that we live are so small, so insignificant compared to the world out there. This means that all our problems are also small, not as important as we make them out to be.

I felt grateful and alive and content. I got to sit beside a waterfall and breathe – it was wonderful. Near to the end the road got really steep with stairs up the slopes and it almost killed me. My legs and lungs were burning fire and I felt like crying and giving up. But I push on and made it to the top. I made myself proud and realised that I can go on, long after I think that I can’t. I’m stronger than I think and that the world is a beautiful, beautiful place. And that my husband knows me very well and knows what will make me happy and that I’m blessed to have a person like him in my life.

I’m glad to say that I got to ride back – the men (and 1 lady) walked the 14km back on Sunday. My new shoes left me with 2 small blisters only. My legs were stiff for a total of 3 days and I made some lovely new friends...

Life is all about the journeys – some of them short and sweet, some tough but worth the effort, some takes a bit longer to complete. As long as we always remember to take the journey, even if it scares us, to stop and appreciate the scenery along the way and to go on and reach the end, even if we feel like giving up. And remember to walk the journey with the people we love, it makes the hard parts better and the easy parts so much more enjoyable. 

Profile Blues & Butter

I talked to our social worker week before last. Take note that I do not talk to her on a regular basis - although I would like to call her every day and ask if they have our baby ready for collection yet.

This was actually only the 2nd time after our panel meeting that I had to call her. We were left with strict instruction that if we hear nothing from them it is because we do not have a baby yet and other that that there is really nothing that we need to talk about. But seeing that our lives and jobs and home address are busy changing I needed to find out whether it is necessary for another home visit. And no, it’s not. Once we are matched with a baby a local social worker will be send to do a home inspection and bob’s your uncle!

I also asked about our profile. Seeing that a year has passed, a lot of things changed and I am soooo much smarter than I've been a year before, it is probably a good idea to change certain things. I did not expect our SW to suggest that I redo the whole profile. See, in the time that we did our profile, scrapbooking was really hip and happening, but like all things it has become a bit old fashioned – and not in a good way. 

Photobooks are the new “in thing”. I’m very familiar with photobooks as I made 2 with our wedding photos which came out beautiful and professional. I feel a bit silly now thinking that our profile is shown around with all those lovely glossy photobooks…

And so I've loaded the software onto my laptop in order for me to work on it in the evenings. That was more than 2 weeks ago. I've finished 3 pages… Three pages which I’m not entirely happy about. The SW said that I must get it to them quick, my head says that I must be quick about it, but I’m just too darn tired and uninspired.

My life is a bit hectic at the moment. Not having hubby around to help definitely adds to the workload. Having to commute home over weekends are very draining and takes up a lot of time. At work we are implementing a new program and I have to work back and add all the data from end Feb as we need it to reflect the whole financial year as well as do my current work. I’m also still setting up my home office, getting quotes and organising telephone lines and equipment.

To top it all my brother got some really bad news from his doctor last week. Went under the knife today. The operation went well, so let’s pray that this is the end of that…

Very stressful time indeed, with me not getting around to do that profile.

I feel a bit like Bilbo Baggins - 

"I'm old, Gandalf. I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel thin. Sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday. A very long holiday."

- not old and like I need a very long holiday - but a bit stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.

Paperwork LOL!

And NOW you will finally fall pregnant

On this journey to parenthood we get bombarded with so many remarks and suggestions. Some of them just plain rude and inconsiderate, some hysterical, some stupid and then those that are said to us out of pure love or sympathy.

From the start I made a point of not taking these up too seriously and not to let it get to me - there is enough to deal with emotionally and no space to sort out other people's misconceptions as well.

I must also admit that both my and Riaan's families are very supportive and excited about our choice to adopt. Had only one adverse reaction from a cousin of Riaan, but after finding out more about her story, I understand why she said the things she did and could shrug it off and move on.

Had a couple of people commenting about how I will fall pregnant once we adopt a baby. I know that this is a HUGE misconception and kind of like an urban legend when adopting. At first I was a bit shocked and lost for words and ANGRY - do they really think that after we adopted a baby that I would immediately have one of my own to replace the adopted one with??? Now whenever someone says that to me, I tell them that we'll get Riaan "fixed" as soon as we get THE CALL, just to make sure that we do not get pregnant by accident... It's really cruel, but I do enjoy the shocked expression on their faces, LOL!

With us moving out of the City and living a much slower paced life in the country a new hope has creep into people's hearts. Some are convinced that we will fall pregnant now. AT LAST! Why did I not think of this earlier? Could have spared us 4 years of trying all the other things. The solution to having a baby is to live a happy, healthy, very relaxed life, to have lots of fresh air and food, be surrounded by friends and people caring about you, no traffic and lots of open space... Sounds idyllic and like the perfect recipe for creating that bun in the oven... but then I remembered, as I was driving with the bus to work I was staring out the window and under the shelter of a filthy building a "bergie" was packing up his belongings for the day, after spending a cold night sleeping on the hard ground beside a busy City street. Next to him stood his very pregnant wife... I rest my case.

On a lighter note, at least we can still find the humor in it all. Thanx Mel!