Hats off to you!

Sharon and her family (The Blessed Barrenness) as well as Manie and Morne & Loic (Two and a Half - and still growing - Men) appeared on Talk SA recently. You can watch the episode here. 

They are also appearing in the Sep/Oct issue of Your Baby magazine. You can read the very informative article here. 

Terry Lailvaux (Adoptmom) was interviewed on Doctor's Orders, talking about her adoption story - hope to have a link to the episode soon!

Why we are not adopting trans-racially

This is a tough subject and one that I have not really touched on openly during this journey of ours. I always felt that this is the most difficult, as well as private decision to be made when choosing to adopt and it is a decision to be made where you are 100% honest with yourself and satisfied with your answer.

Last week The Blessed Barrenness had a post about her (utterly adorable) mixed-race children coming with their unique set of challenges, the empathy that she feels with people wanting to adopt from the same racial group,  but also her frustration on counselling people who longs for a baby but limits their chances by only wanting a baby of the same race.

We had limited our chances.

When we started out more than 3 years ago contacting agencies we had a lot of doors slammed in our faces. We were still very "naive" at that stage and from the word go requested a white baby - therefor the slammed doors. We got a lot of e-mails explaining that there are waiting lists for white babies and no new applications accepted - and that we will not be put on a list for in case the applications open again so that they can inform us. We will have to call back every 6 months or so to find out whether new applications are being accepted.

This was very sobering but we were still keeping at it and had some hope that if we keep on digging somewhere something must give. And it did. A few months later Procare contacted us and said that they are opening their applications for white babies and whether we are still interested to be on the list? And so our journey started.

It was also during this time that we bought our house in the country. This was to be our "someday" but we also knew that this is the place where we would want to raise our child(ren). So while going through the process we were slightly coached by our SW to think about the option of adopting a mixed-race baby. It would be much easier, A LOT faster and with me and Riaan both being dark-skinned and -haired, it could almost be perfect.
While staying in the City and "blending" into the masses where nobody really knows you or your business, except close friends, our decision might have been different. But coming from the platteland ourselves, we knew the implications of living in a small town where people know you, either love or hate you and "skinder" a lot about you. Would we really want to add this burden onto a child's shoulders who will already have a lot to deal with?

For now of coarse we live in the country. Our town consist mostly of white Afrikaners, as well as an English factor slowly seeping in. A lot are farmers, owning land in the region for generations. Mostly friendly and really goodhearted people. But because the town has a history, it is difficult for people to move into the town and become part of the community. There is even a term for these people - "Inkomers" (Incomers). Luckily with Riaan's job and the fact that he is a very social person he has established our part in the community quite fast and we lost the label quickly.

At the other end we have a big coloured community. Also some very good people and a lot of them being here for generations. But on the other tip of the scale we host a fairly new government low-cost housing development, which has seen a lot of people moving into the area. Unfortunately resulting from this there is a lot of unemployment among these people, leading to alcohol and substance abuse and gangs of children roaming the streets, looking for some mischief to entertain themselves with or something to eat.

So the question is, if we brought home a mixed-race baby, where would this child fit in? Would the children of the farmers and townspeople accept our child with open arms (minds)? Would our child associate him/herself with the children of the coloured community and would he/she understand if we will not allow him/her to go play with friends in the township? (And do not get me wrong - we have friends from the coloured community and we visit their church on occasion but I will not send my child into their streets to play.)

In a small community it is very important to feel and be part of that community, otherwise your live can get very, very lonely. By deciding to wait for a baby of the same race, we are maybe putting ourselves in it for a long wait. But by bringing home a mixed-race baby, hoping that the risk will be worth it and that we will be able to provide the child with a good live and a loving environment (outside our home) might not be a good idea.

This is however a subject that Riaan and I sometimes revisit. Will the outcome differ in future, I do not know. It might, but for now the vote is unanimous to not over-complicate an already complicated situation.

The Story of the Sad Sadness

So very fitting for my state of mind at the moment. And yes, there is always HOPE to accompany us whenever we are feeling sad.

Once upon a time there was a little woman who walked along the dusty field path. She was quite old yet her steps were light and springy and her smile had the fresh glow of a carefree girl. She stopped at a cowered figure and looked down. She couldn’t recognize much.

The being that sat in the dirt on the path seemed to be almost body-less. She reminded her of a grey flannel blanket with human shape.

The little woman bent a little forward and asked: “Who are you?”

Two almost lifeless tired eyes looked up towards her. “Me? I am the Sadness”, whispered the voice haltingly and softly, almost too soft to hear.

“Oh, the Sadness!” said the woman pleased as if she would greet an old friend.

“You know me?” asked the Sadness mistrusting.

“Of course I know you! You accompanied me every once in a while over and over again on parts of my path.”

“Yes, but…” said the Sadness suspiciously. “Why don’t you run away from me? Aren’t you afraid?”

“Why should I run from you, my dear? You know very well yourself that you catch up with everybody who tries to get away from you. But, what I wanted to ask you: Why do you look so discouraged?”

“I am … sad”, replied the grey figure with broken voice.

The little woman sat down at her side. “So, you are sad”, she said and nodded with understanding. “Tell me what bothers you.”

The Sadness sighed deeply. Was there really someone who would like to listen to her this time? How often did she wish for that to happen?

“You know”, she started hesitantly and very astonished, “it’s just that nobody actually likes me. It is my destiny to visit humans for a while but when I show up they are scared of me. They are afraid of me and try to avoid me like the plague.”

The Sadness swallowed some tears. “They invented phrases that they try to ban me with. They say things like: ‘Nonsense, I can’t be sad. Life is always bright and fun.’ and their fake smiles give them stomach cramps and they have a hard time breathing. They say: ‘Praise is what makes us tough.’ and then they end up with heartache. They say, ‘One just has to put it all together and suck it up!’ and then they feel all kinds of aches and pains in their shoulders and their backs. They say: ‘Only weak people cry!’ and the banked up tears almost make their heads burst. Or they try to numb themselves with alcohol or drugs so that they don’t have to feel me.”

“Oh yes”, confirmed the old woman, “I’ve met people like that before.”

The Sadness turned even sadder… “But all I want is to help humans. When I am very close to them they can face themselves. I help them build a nest to cuddle up in to take care of their wounds. Somebody who is sad has very thin skin. Old sorrows surface again like a bad healed wound and that can hurt a lot. But who is able to face their grief and sorrow and cries? All the uncried tears can truly make their wounds heal. People don’t want me to help them though. Instead they put on a flashy smile on top of their scars. Or they put on a heavy shield of bitterness.”

The Sadness was silent now. Her crying at first was weak, then it became stronger and finally it was very desperate.

The little, old woman hugged her, caressed the shaky bundle and thought to herself how soft and gentle Sadness felt. “Cry, Sadness, let your tears flow”, she whispered full of love. “Rest so that you can gather your strength back. From now on you shall not wander all by yourself. I will join you so that discouragement and despair can’t take over anymore.”

The Sadness quit crying. She looked her new companion straight in the eyes: “But, but who are you?”

“Me?” said the old lady with a smile on her face and then she laughed again like a carefree young girl. “I am HOPE.”

Author Unknown

Tip from Adoption Answer

"Support those who are on their Adoption Journey by sharing with them that you are praying for them... and then really follow through on that. It is much more comforting and supportive to hear these words than those of "Heard anything?", "How long has it been?", "Do you think it is going to happen?", "If only you could have your own", "I feel so bad for you"...

Offering kindness and encouragement, instead of hard to answer questions, to someone who is on the "We are Adopting" roller coaster, you will be that breath of fresh air they need. You do not know how badly they want to be matched, AND to share that they are matched. Believe me, they will share when something exciting is going on in their journey. Until you hear that from them, smile at them, hug them, pray for them and share that you are here for them IF they need you to be."   Facebook or www.adoptionanswer.com

Feeling sad..

I have not written in a while, because I have been mentally out of commission. Brooding in my cave. Feeling sad. The thing is, I am a little tired of waiting. I was faced with the decision of whether we will be flying up for a little breakaway to go and visit my parents. My High-School is having a reunion weekend and it would have been the perfect opportunity to go there, visit my parents, mom-in-law, other family and friends. Both me and Riaan took some leave and all that remained was booking the flights, and the car and budget for the petrol, food and extra expenses that comes with a holiday. It worked out to an awful amount.
Then there was the question of taking money from our baby-fund to see our families. We are all aware of the expenses that comes with adopting a baby. Riaan and me have a fund where we try and keep enough money to be prepared when that phone call happens and we have to go fetch our baby. I must confess, with setting up my home office and moving to the country that the fund has dwindled a bit.
So, we decided rather not to. My heart is breaking over this sacrifice. We are actually giving up spending time with the people we love, in order to be prepared for a baby that we do not know will show up any time soon. I hate how this is making me feel, all sad and hopeless.

Musical Monday - "Don't Stop Believin"

A bit off topic today - but my heart is very sad. Such a great talent and a young life, gone so soon... RIP Cory.

Musical Monday - "I Would Die for That"